her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
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Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Hello Twits.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.