Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.

You’re not my real can

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados

I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!

me: god danb ut

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.