her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
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Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars