Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”

Pence: “Fewer!”

Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”

Looking for a new spicy potato chip?

-Hot Pringles in your area

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.

date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.

me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.

Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?

Her:

Me:

Her: Sure, let’s go with that.

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity

Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?

Dracula: in theory…yes

Me: ok let’s do this

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.