Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

this is the kind of friend i am

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?

ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?

HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?

ME: I love you.

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.

Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.