Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!

Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.

911: What’s your emergency?

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I just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.


My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.


[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!


The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.


It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.


[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover


Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …


I think my dog goes out at night to drink with her doggie friends. At least she can’t drive because that would be ridiculous.


HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually