I just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Her: Babe! Be careful! The stove is hot!
Me winking and leaning on the stove: You’re Hot, Baby.
911: What’s your emergency?
You Might Also Like
i would lose weight but i hate losing
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I think my dog goes out at night to drink with her doggie friends. At least she can’t drive because that would be ridiculous.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually