“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
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Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.