Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
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What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.
Bros before Ohioes
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I hope this email punches you square in the face
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My cold is worse than yours because it’s happening to me.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control