Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
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Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Why is no one talking about this?!
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.