Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.

What’s that?

“It’s my pet rock.”

Why does it look sad?

DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

I am putting on so many clothes

*cold weather sext

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.

Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

Me: I’m not petty.

Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you