Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”

{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.

Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.