Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story

AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

🐟✨ #re4

all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.

I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.