Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

Unexpected Judgment

*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Today’s tshirt

Oh thanks BBC.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible