Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

[road trip]

Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!

Kid: but

Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND

Facebook marketplace is a different world

When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?