Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*
Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
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I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Don’t tell me what to do.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Health tip: There’s never a ‘safe’ time to shake a teenage boy’s hand. Never.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.