Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
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If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.