Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
You Might Also Like
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
I just tested negative for patience.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
2 years later
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.