Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.

It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.

The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.

*screaming at the smoke alarm*

DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.