Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
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Never let them know your next move 😂
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish