@AnkCoupleTO

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

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@HansGrubertron

ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before

@markleggett

Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.

@OLDIRTYDIAPER

Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”

@DrawingShadows

Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?

@TheRealRHB

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

@TheBoydP

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

@BillFienberg

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

@myonlymizztake

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

@CptBombs75

Just got out of the shower and lotioned up Unfortunately I’m not a chick so this won’t get 624 faves