Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

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ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before


Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.


Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”


Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?


Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen


Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.


Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.


Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.


Just got out of the shower and lotioned up Unfortunately I’m not a chick so this won’t get 624 faves