Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
You Might Also Like
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂