Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?

ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

lmfao come on

Gods work.

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

Cat.