Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.