Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”

I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?

5: Pencils. Duh.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

[1st time meeting a friends baby]

Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”

Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.