Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
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Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’