@WeedlordKrillin

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

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@elonmusk

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

@biebersmurf

My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.

@Book_Krazy

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

@krishna_van

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

@MissNaughty1801

I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass

@Holidayze

Apparently fat people in scooters despise being called a cripple-potamous

@EJGomez

LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand
LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand
JUDGE: damn lol

@EndhooS

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

@Jake_Vig

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

@Ygrene

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive