Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

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The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false


My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.


Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.


People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year


I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass


Apparently fat people in scooters despise being called a cripple-potamous


LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand
LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand
JUDGE: damn lol


911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket


CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?


Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive