The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
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My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.
Rather a few layers.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I feel that it’s time to pick the kids up from school..so I’m going to lie down here for a while and wait for that feeling to pass
Apparently fat people in scooters despise being called a cripple-potamous
LAWYER 1: numbers never lie so I call numbers to the stand
LAWYER 2: your honor I call shakiras hips to the stand
JUDGE: damn lol
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive