Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Parents: violence is never the answer

Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps

It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

Please let me in.. 😂

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