HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
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Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
dam girl
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco