HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
You Might Also Like
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
I love the National Park Service.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
A duv-egg? In this economy?
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is