Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

This meal prepping shit is easy

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.

[Last day in prison]

*Walks up to the biggest guy*

Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.