Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

Daddy, where do oranges come from?

Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

WAITER: whaddaya have?

DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat

TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm

Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.