HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
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INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
as is their right
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is