Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks

[doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey

This checks out

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.

Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.