Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
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I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)