Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do that thing I like.

Husband: Soaks dishes.

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

Life cycle of cat

A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.

#MousseDay #RubbishJokes

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.

friend: what happened?

me: it got stuck in a tree.

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.