HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
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No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Saw a TikTok where this woman’s car caught on fire & only her Stanley cup survived, Stanley responded that they’re buying her a new car. I’ve bought myself a Stanley cup and I’m hoping for the best.
My wedding will be open casket.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE