HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
welcome back
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space