HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
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If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.