Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

I think this might be relevant today.

Sunday

The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen