Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
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I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world