Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

Me *has read one book all year*

Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

Don’t let herpes become yourpes.

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?