HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
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Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
These are so Plastic Man-core
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting
me: you mean ‘expelled’?
7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers