Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

Huge if true.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

It’s 2035:

By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”

A double negative is a big no-no.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?

[10:06pm]

13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.

Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.

13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.