HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
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[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people