Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
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My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.