Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

[1st day as a mechanic]

CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?

ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix

Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation

Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent

SON: Why did mommy leave?

ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?

SON: Yeah

ME: She said that shit was fake yo