Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star

Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

JUMP

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I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”

It do be feeling this way.

😉😝

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you