Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

#Thanos #MondayMood

IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.

Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰

My baby:

🤣😂🤣

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.