Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

me: I need to borrow a math textbook

librarian: edition?

me: and subtraction if you have it

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.