her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
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11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Interior design 👌
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
fixed it
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.