Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”

Caller:

“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

men: i like the natural no makeup look

me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown