her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
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*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
“That’s what” – She
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.