her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
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When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true