Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

“Why you watching this shit?”

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.

I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

Generation gap…

FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.