Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

This kid is going places

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

somewhere, in an alternate universe

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.