Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

Lmao 🤣

My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Pete: I’m Pete

Peter: I’m Peter

Me, competitive: I’m Petest

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

Can someone Venmo me $74,000?

I’ll take you camping.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.