HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
![]()
You Might Also Like
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
![]()
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!