Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

Everyone: We’re concerned about you.

Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?

What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.

Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

sweet dreams💖