her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
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I’M CRYINGGG
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…