Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
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Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
I don’t think my car can fly
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
can’t talk my ride’s here
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
🤣
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…