Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
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Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.