Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

i did the math

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

[at a sperm bank]

“Can I browse the clearance bin?”

dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN

son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG

dad: omg [sheds a tear]

where do you see yourself in five years?

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.