hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
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Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)