Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Her: Choke me!
Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.
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Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Me: Goodnight mom I love you
Mom: I have a boyfriend
Dad putting arm around Mom: This loser giving you a problem?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Someone needs to open a bar called “The Gym”. Then I too can be annoying on Facebook by posting how I’m always at the gym.
It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.
Coworker: I could care less!
Me: How much less could you care?
Coworker: I don’t get it.
Me: I noticed.