@whiskeyinadram

Her: Choke me!

Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.

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@bartandsoul

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster

@fro_vo

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

@BuckyIsotope

Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.

@RileyCaptain

Me: Goodnight mom I love you

Mom: I have a boyfriend

Dad putting arm around Mom: This loser giving you a problem?

@EliBraden

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

@robininthegreen

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

@iJohnKnoxville

Someone needs to open a bar called “The Gym”. Then I too can be annoying on Facebook by posting how I’m always at the gym.

@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: I could care less!

Me: How much less could you care?

Coworker: I don’t get it.

Me: I noticed.