Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
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I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Frog purse.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit