Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
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[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
*skinny dips into black hole
#StillHurts
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.