Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
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Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Who does Amazon think I am?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.