Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat: *plays fiddle*

cow: *jumps over moon*

dishes: *run away*

farmer: *sets down bong*

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

Sesame Street: this is an educational show

Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that

Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.

hey, alexa