her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
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It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality