Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

Why are clothes so expensive? It should not cost this much to not be naked. As a matter of fact, people should be paying me not to be naked.

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

Dear Lord..

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?

Me: I’ve seen more than two.

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

10/10 no notes

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein