Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

imagine jeffrey dahmer walking into a 5 guys and reading the menu like well that’s def not what i was expecting.

wait a minute….