Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.

The more you know

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile

8: what did he do?

Ex: what do you think he did?

8: he drove while drinking

Ex: yes

8: AGAIN?!

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor