Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected

*struts into the new year
~ trips

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’

Neo-natal nurse: awww

Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?

Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*

My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”

Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.