Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
when you don’t want to be too vague
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly