Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.

She’s stuck at work again.

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

[internet meet up, 1999]

Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.

[internet meet up, 2019]

Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.

I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.

😳

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates