Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
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[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes