Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

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I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.


I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.


It’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a chainsaw.


[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*


Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?


Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date


best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin