Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Big Sex has us all fooled
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.